I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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