My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
PANTIES FOUND
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