It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
