The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
