Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
