Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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