I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
