How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
