Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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