I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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