i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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