ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
i've created a new STD.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
