I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
