i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
