You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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