I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
