my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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