She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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