First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
my liver is dry heaving
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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