Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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