My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
