Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
