Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
