Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
