my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He better not be in your backpack
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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