he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
