so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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