The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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