It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
