so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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