I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
