You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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