I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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