You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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