can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize