dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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