we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
