my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
