i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
