I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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