You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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