you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
