Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
