Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
