Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Well I just put wine in my tea
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
