can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
