im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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