i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
