life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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