I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
